I hate this game. I don't know what the hell I was thinking. "Oh, it's a Final Fantasy, it can't be bad, right? I mean, Final Fantasy IX is an AMAZING game. This can't keep pissing me off, can it?"
I was wrong. And since Schadenfreude makes the world laugh, dear companions, I dive back into the crap fest that is Final Fantasy X.
Yes, I realize that is a bad pun. There is a Pun Hell, and I am going to it. I may be driving the bus.
So, we last left Tidus being told to go to the temple and introduce himself to the Summoner. But first, Wakka checks to make sure he knows the prayer to Yevon. As it turns out, it (much like everything in the damn game) goes back to Blitzball and was a sign for Victory in the sport back in Tidus's time.
Now armed with the rudimentary knowledge to not get himself lynched, Tidus goes to the temple, we sit through some cutscenes where Tidus gets some exposition dropped on him, makes excuses about getting too close to Sin, and then makes a reference to how pathetic it is that he's making the same excuse over and over again.
Really game...thank you for doing my job for me. I thought Final Fantasy XII was the only game that did that.
At the break of dawn, Wakka is summoned by the Old Dude from the Temple (I guess he's the Summoner? See, Pun Hell) and rushes off. Tidus wakes up and goes to see what the commotion is.
Turns out the apprentice Summoner has been inside the Cloister of Trials too long and people are getting worried. Wakka says that she has her Guardians, so she'd be fine, but Tidus decides that if someone's in trouble, he's off to save them, rules be damned.
And I'll admit, here's where I start to like the douchebag. Yeah, he's got a girly haircut, an outfit only a Squeenix character could love and whines waaaay too much, but he's always ready to stupidly jump into action for a hot chick.
I can respect that.
So, they go in and we meet the rest of the party, Lulu and Kimahri.
Lulu would probably be told that after a certain age women can't pull off the Loli look, but she's a Black Mage and a snarky bitch at that, which means I love her to death.
And Kimahri...speaks in "Fuck You" glances.
Neither of them are pleased by Tidus's appearance. But it's all made better when the apprentice summoner comes out of the Chamber of the Fayth and...
Wait. Hold on, just a second there.
Fayth? Fayth? Someone decided that Faith had to be spelled with a Y? What were you afraid of what people might say if your fantasy games series, one where a headmaster gave a bunch of his students a magic lamp that contained the fucking devil I might add, had something resembling a religious overtone? Seriously, the whole plot of the game is a holy pilgrimage to the various temples of Spira so that Yuna can ask more Gods for help kicking Cthulu's ass!
...which sounds kinda awesome, but still...Fuck you and your Poor Literacy Square! You and Midway can suck my dictionary!
Rant aside, Yuna emerges and claims that she's a summoner now. And since I've commented on every one else's character designs, I guess Yuna's up next.
Actually, I like this design. It's a little "traditional Japanese" for my fantasy setting tastes, but Yuna is a White Mage and you can tell. Hello hot priest lady.
So, there's some more cutscenes and Yuna summons a big wind bird thing. Tidus makes eyes at Yuna, and Wakka informs blondey that she's WAY out of his league. Yuna then talks to Tidus, hits on him in a shy, white magey way and we call it an evening.
/Sarcasm Gee, is the Shy, Sheltered White Mage and the hot-tempered brash hero with the sword gonna make out later? "I never would've seen this coming. What an amazing development." /end Sarcasm.
So, after a dream where Jecht makes fun of your inability to land a woman (is the game trying for meta humor there?), the gang departs, Tidus is going with the group, because they're all eventually going to Luca, where a giant Blitzball tournament is held.
Great, more Blitzball. Okay, I get that Final Fantasy VII broke the mold and became mainstream, and that the other Final Fantasy games had to follow suit. I get that. I really do. I have a memory of the distinct moment I realized that had happened.
But c'mon, shoehorning in a SPORTS mini-game? And making it part of the plot, and setting to the point where everyone's okay taking time off from hunting the eldritch abomination to play and/or watch the game?!
We do not need the frat boy douchebag demographic that bad. We're RPG Gamers, not those Halo Fuckers. (Author's Edit: This was said in a moment of rage and I was in the moment. I have nothing against Halo, or those that play it. I just hate some of those stereotypical players that ruin it for everybody else. You know who they are.)
So, on the long walk back to the beach to catch our boat, it seems that every random encounter is actually a tutorial on how to use the abilities of the party. Remember when games didn't give you tutorials? When if you bought the game used without the manual (from the Video Game Exchange), then you had hours of experimentation while you played the game. No more my friends, now the games have so many controls and so many buttons that you can expect the first 20% of the game (which for an RPG is like the first 2-3 hours) sprinkled with Tutorials and Exposition.
Not only that but I can sum the tutorials as follows: If it's a dog, Tidus smacks it. If it's a bird, Wakka hits it, and if it's a blob, have Lulu magic it. Summons are for big things, and Kimahri doesn't like you.
Thank you for telling me the obvious. Now, there's also a party member switching mechanic, and you're encouraged to swap people in and out so everyone gains EXP, but really every fight after the tutorial parts up to the Bliztball Tournament is basically: Dog, Flyer, Blob.
Awesome. I hate this game.
So, we get down to the beach, get on a boat and a Map shows where we're going all Indiana Jones style. We then do the typical RPG we're on a boat sequence, which is nothing like this.
Actually...I guess it's kinda like that, minus T-Pain...And after a bit, a boss fight breaks out with Sin! Awesome.
So, after beating the whale-fin...thing, Tidus is knocked overboard and Wakka goes in to save him.
What is it with this guy and being unconscious underwater? Wait...Blonde Hair, Breathes Underwater, has a water based weapon and no one takes him seriously...I know Tidus's great secret...
HE"S AQUAMAN!!!
Holy shit. I think I need a drink.
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